老闆先生

So... What's it all about?
I'm not really happy even after our project finally or possibly done.
I feel many things blocking in my way.
Maybe it'll help if I write it down, and then I could figure it out.
Or at least I can exactly know what bothers me.
People often get confused, and they actually know the reasons,
they just never rearrange it.
That's what I always believe.
So let's help me out.

The first one comes to my mind is about friendship.
It has bothered me since this semester began.
And unfortunately, I have to divide this problem into 2 parts.
One for here, the other for friends we were classmates 3 years ago.
I want to talk about here first, because I think it bothers me seriously.
And I feel sorry about it.
The SORRY doesn't mean apology, it means some kind of regret feelings.
So what's the matter anyway?

Why friends can be like strangers just after summer vacation?
Especially, this summer vacation.
I thought about many answers to answer that question.
This summer we were all busy at doing our project.
Also, we all in the last year of being college students,
so we are supposed to prepare our futures.
I think the first one is affected the most.
I don't know why after one summer vacation, and everything is different.
But what I can guess is...
because of project, we all have to spend much time than ever with our partners in our groups.
You know what happens if you spend much time in a group no matter what reasons you guys gathering?
What it will result in?
You'll acts more like your group, and your speaking way also.
Maybe same with me, too.
And when 2 people come out of their groups, they meet to each other,
especially they don't contact in such a long time,
what it's going to be? I think the answer is clear...
It's no one's fault.
It's just the way it goes.
And I just feel sorry about our relationships becoming like this,
I never thought it would be like this.
What can I say? This is a life.
I also realize again that I really not good at keeping the relationship with others.
I would do anything nice for my friends in my childhood.
But I found that when you care about someone, maybe someone doesn't care about you.
So what you did is helpless at all.
After knowing that, I try to build some kind of FAIR RULES.
I even don't know what's the definition about freinds?
So I always call people around me "CLASSMATES" not FRIENDS.
And after we know about each other many years (always stay in touch),
I'll think about MAYBE you're my friend,
so I'm supposed to pay back for many things you considered in me before.
But I know in my brain, if I want to make the truly friends with others,
I can't use the FAIR RULES.
I have to open my heart to someone I may trust,
and if I bet the wrong person,
just regardind it's my unlucky.
This what I pretty closer doing that.

And BUSY is another one to kill the relationships.
Everytime I look the list on my MSN.
So many people I have no time to contact or care them.
But I also feel tired about this.
Sometimes I want to chat with someone to concern their life.
But I am too lazy.
After all the school things, I just want to be alone.
And sometimes you have free time but others don't have, timing is wrong.
So I'm always not the active one.

um... a little far away from the topic.
Let's move back.

And what's worse?
I feel I'm squeezed by two sides.
There are 2 sides just nerver get along.
And I know about why.
So that results in I'm always wrong no matter I choose which side to stand by.
But if I want to let this bothering thing get away from me, I have to choose.
Guess what? I have my answer now.
I choose stand in the middle, with my side.
I don't want to get involve in their fights.
This is what I always want to run away from.
I choose to be alone.
I know no people can't really be alone,
because human beings are 群體動物,
so do I.
But I'll try to avoid acting like I belong to a specific group.
I belonged to one group, too.
3 years ago.
we did everything together,
our thoughts are closer than the others,
that's why we became a group.
And I felt safe and comfortable in that group.
I think that's what we called friends.
But after that, I never feel safe, it instead of unsafety.
I think it is what I have to pay if I choose to stand in the middle.
But everything has the gains and pays.
If I try to look the positive side,
I think the gains maybe is be more independent, the ability of solving problems
(Someone else would solve my problems in the past.)


So that's all what I feeling about this thing.
There are other things.
To be continued...